Miss Mood

I keep telling myself I’m going to make a habit of writing. Yet, here I am, writing at odd times, while the rest of the household is sleeping. I have been thinking of making a schedule, but with so many appointments and things being generally chaotic, it hasn’t happened. For a detail-oriented person, I really need to get on the ball.

Yet so much of my life is dictated by my mood. Long before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, my ex-husband used to call me “Miss Mood.” Ha! It seems a very accurate nickname, in retrospect. I also tend to be ruled by my anxiety. Anxiety that is now manifesting in physical illnesses. Shingles, migraines, psoriasis. I am told I need to stress a lot less. But as an underinsured person during a national health crisis, I’m not quite sure how.

I did slash my hours to 25 a week, but I’m still having trouble managing my son’s care. They do not make anything easy here in the good old US of A. We got a referral concerning a potential sensory processing disorder. He has been having an acute trauma response to loud noises, especially the sounds of planes going by. We live close to the airport. He can’t get earplugs in on time. And the waitlist for the necessary test? Six to eight months. In short, this is not good. I don’t want to have him on any more medication, and his present emergency med just makes him sleep. Which would be fine, except for this concept of being awake and alert for online school.

Online school has been going a bit better due to the efforts of his wonderful and empathetic IEP instructor. I can’t imagine how stressed out this sweet lady must be, and here she is, attempting to help us through this. Teachers were overworked and underpaid before. And now? Man, they need hazardous duty pay. Actually, they needed it before, with the risks of school shootings. But when I think about it, I start asking myself what is wrong with this country. The answer, unfortunately, is A LOT.

Racism. Transphobia. Homophobia. Anti-Semitism. Millions facing eviction. Millions uninsured or underinsured. So many of us just barely getting by. Or not having the opportunity to get by at all, due to a national health crisis. A large percentage of our leaders refusing to help the common people of this country. I am one of the very lucky ones keeping food in my mouth and a roof over my head. But I worry so much about everyone else. It makes me sick that we are getting no government assistance. We really need to stop with this irrational fear of socialism. It seems to come from propaganda, paranoia, and a willingness to believe anything the talking heads say. Let’s face it, folks. We pay taxes. We need help. Our pleas to our leaders for help are getting ignored.

I find it interesting that certain members of Congress have time to back frivolous lawsuits that would essentially upend democracy. But they don’t seem to have the time or the resources to legitimately help a country in an unprecedented crisis. And here in Idaho? Our public officials are facing threats and harassment for trying to do their jobs and protect the public. It is deeply shameful. Putting a mask on hurts no one. Not putting one on increases the spread of this potentially life-threatening disease. I read a sign from a recent protest that read “Why not try liberty instead?” You see, dummies, diseases don’t work that way. Diseases do not have ideals, and do not care what you believe. Hundreds of thousands of people, some vulnerable, some perfectly healthy, have succumbed to this dreadful disease. Stop being a jerk, shut your mouth, and then put a d*** mask over it.

But there I go, being moody again. Just a glance at national and local news tends to aggravate me to my core. No amount of positivity, toxic or otherwise, is underscoring my prevalent mood of despair lately. Oh, and you Nazi jerks that did this? How dare you. Did your parents miss the day they taught empathy in kindergarten? Did you yourself graduate kindergarten? Apparently you didn’t make it to the part in school where they taught us about WWII. Your stupidity and lack of decency is abhorrent.

It’s not that blatant ignorance hasn’t always been around in this country. It’s just lately, it’s been emboldened. Millions blind to the fact that they are being swindled. Millions voting against their self-interest. Millions who voted for a guy who is too busy whining that he didn’t lose, when, in fact, he did. I have no faith in someone who puts his ego and self-interest above MILLIONS OF PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY HE IS ALLEGEDLY LEADING WHO ARE URGENTLY SUFFERING.

But hey, that’s just me.

Now I’m going to take a moment to stare at the late, great Chris Cornell. And maybe some kittens. Because writing, though usually therapeutic, has not improved my mood.

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