Early, to Rise

The nice thing about getting up at 3:45 in the morning is that you have time to reflect on how much work you have left to do.

I fell asleep during “Lady and the Tramp” after a busy day. Starlight decided to knock my glasses off the coffee table. When that didn’t work, she knocked the thermos glass of ice off the table.

That definitely worked.

I was looking over my writing samples for a grant application. And I became acutely aware of how my writing has no polish. Does that mean it doesn’t have value? To some people, yes. I can’t decide whether those people are jerks or not.

Do I have a lot of editing left to do? Yes. Do I have time to do it? Questionable. Between managing my care, and my son’s care, and my son’s school, what is left is the time between 3:45 AM and the time he wakes up. The great news is that we are working on Edgar Allan Poe and Shakespeare today. Two of my favorites!

I have ideas for novels. But at the rate I’m going, they will never be finished or published. I’m trying not to get down on myself. The one time I came close to having something published, I got mixed feedback from the team of editors. Then my writing was warped into something unrecognizable. It wasn’t a good experience, though I suppose I learned something.

I’m going to start family support back up again, and perhaps, counseling. My stress level at home and at work is considerable. Having mental illnesses on top of all of that doesn’t help. I’m coping, during this time of pandemic. But I’m mostly limping along. Phoning it in, so to speak.

I was told my child could essentially “phone in” his classes when he wasn’t well. Log on to school, turn the microphone and camera on, and sort of magically absorb knowledge. Good in theory, but that’s not the way learning works. And when he is sleeping soundly until one in the afternoon after taking an emergency medication, it doesn’t work at all. I don’t think he can absorb lessons subconsciously. Call me crazy. Maybe next, we will put a textbook under his pillow and see what happens.

I love our supportive educators. But as much as they try to relate, many of them have no idea what this is like. How day after day is a struggle.

We did get out for some socially distanced socializing yesterday. It was the first contact my child has had with people his age in months. They wanted to send him in-person to the alternative high school. We aren’t ready for that, yet. Many members of my family have been vaccinated, but my son and I are waiting. I don’t think my asthma is so bad that tackling the virus would be a problem.

But my anxiety tells me otherwise.

Today, between getting him caught up on assignments, I am determined to read, and write. Perhaps I will designate Sunday as a writing work day. With my day job, and all the appointments and phone calls during the week, I just don’t get anything else done.

Starlight is now sleeping soundly on the spare bed.

Must be nice.

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