Manic Panic

I’m in panic mode because my part-time job has become so chaotic. I’m not allowed to share much detail, but the environment is changing in ways I never imagined. I am being forced to alter my routine, which is difficult for me as someone who suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I’m like a cat. People start moving furniture, and I get nervous.

The good news is I am stepping out of my comfort zone creatively. The bad news is I’m flubbing at ways to make a decent side income in the event I can no longer work at my job. I’m failing tests that should be easy. Everything is sending me into a tailspin.

What I could use is a break. I have debated using FMLA, but my job is temporary and I don’t know how that works. I worry about yet another gap in my resume. I want to go to school so that I might obtain training to work from home. But the approval process for funding may take months.

My periods of fatigue are not helping matters. I am on a wait list for a rheumatology clinic. I am looking into other medications that may not impair my cognitive ability and dexterity. I have a medication that is supposed to help, but I don’t like having to use it.

I have reached out to my physician, and I see the medication manager mid-week. My at-home blood pressure cuff is reading 145/89. It’s been high most of this year. I know I need to exercise and take better care of myself. That will help. But a lot of it has just been the stress of trying to maintain a job, care for my son, and somehow prevent my own mental maladies from taking over during this prolonged pandemic.

Having to work on-site with an underlying health condition has not helped matters. I am constantly afraid of contracting the virus. I sanitize or wash my hands before or after I touch anything communal. I haven’t been to the break room in a year. Outside of work, I’ve been better about going to the grocery store and getting gas, but only because I’ve had to be. I am grateful to my OCD for keeping me safe thus far. But this has been a waking nightmare. I know part of it is just my overactive anxiety.

I keep telling myself that I can keep pushing through. But I need some help. My brain is on overload.

Also, I miss writing and being creative. My job doesn’t require much skill, though it does involve attention to detail. I would love to commit myself fully to the craft of writing. I know it might be hard at first to make any income, but I feel like I need to explore some options and at least try.

But for the moment, I need to breathe and take a step back. It’s difficult. My anxiety is telling me that I have to figure everything out, RIGHT NOW. I don’t really want to look for new employment during a pandemic. I appreciate the flexibility my employer has had with me thus far. But at some point, I have to look out for my own best interests. That may mean side gigs and earning an income from home, online, somehow.

I also feel like I need time off to fully support my son. There have been multiple medication changes throughout the year, the most recent one starting last week. We had an appointment with a neurobehavioral clinician that went nowhere. He said that we don’t need to do any further testing, and to “keep up the good work.” Ok. Thanks. What does that even mean? It seemed to imply that we were ineligible for further therapy. So I guess it’s just fine and dandy that my child panics every time a plane flies overhead. Great.

Speaking of panic, I just realized that if I don’t calm down, I’m going to get shingles again. And that is NO GOOD.

Well, help is lined up. And I will continue to weigh my options, limited as they seem.

2 thoughts on “Manic Panic

  1. Oh sweetie! Just keep reading and thinking about me. I appreciate you! My boyfriend is being very supportive, as is my child. It’s hard to get away from the anxiety when it gets ramped up. We will persevere! Take care of you and yours.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s