I’ve been working on an essay entitled “Sky Daddy Issues” for quite some time now. But I’ve had a bit of religious trauma mixed in with OCD, and I have a lot of opinions, and it’s getting quite long. And with my eyes and brain being how they are, it’s been so hard to write at all. I think I might be halfway through it.
Most of my time I’ve been trying to get my ducks in a row for autonomic reflex testing at The University of Utah. I’m not sure at this point whether I’m more terrified they’ll find something, or that they won’t find anything and I’ll have to keep pushing for local referrals. Because then I’ll have to be assertive to advocate for myself and I don’t like doing that.
I should preface this next section with the fact that the content of this blog isn’t to be used as medical advice. Also I’ll be talking about all my eye problems, which might be off-putting for some. You’ve been warned.
That being said, it is highly curious to me that my major mood swings have ceased since I stopped taking psychiatric medication daily. They said I had bipolar when I went to the hospital that one time, when I was 31. Curious that I got all the way to 31 without having been diagnosed with a debilitating mood disorder. Also curious that my son was diagnosed with the same thing, and also ADHD, but those diagnoses were invalid and his diagnoses have been revised. I am on a waitlist to get actual testing, but I know that bipolar was also a misdiagnosis for me. I don’t know of anyone else who has it who has improved by needing to go off their medication.
So yeah, I’m pretty sure my body’s adverse reactions to medications and inability to metabolize said medications drove my mood swings and my insomnia. I should be more angry that I was misdiagnosed for over twelve years but honestly, I’m just glad I feel better. And if my son and I do end up with the same diagnosis, it will only make me a better advocate for him.
I spent over two hours compiling current health problems, finding onset dates, and then plugging them into my chart. An overwhelming number of my conditions are physical problems. So as potentially depressing as the process was, it was also quite validating.
I did include my bipolar diagnosis even though I noted I was in the process of getting it revised. I think if a lot of us could take things off our official record based on strong suspicion we definitely would. But until my suspicions are validated by a psychologist, it’s staying on there.
In the process of updating the Utah chart, I also got to translate all my lovely eye diagnoses. Thanks, Google, for making complex medical terms make sense to someone like me. One of the diagnoses simply meant damage to the surface of my eyes, which I had after the uveitis. I think that’s mostly resolved but I put it in there anyway. So I had three different types of eye inflammation, dry eye syndrome, corneal neuropathy, and mild gland dysfunction that affects the quality of my tear film. Not sure whether I still have the two types of eye inflammation or just one, but I’m very grateful the uveitis hasn’t recurred.
Saw a neuro-optometrist recently and he says I have some binocular vision dysfunction, my left eye is so bad that my right eye will sometimes take over for it, and my prior prescription has caused my astigmatism to be at an angle.
He said the astigmatism thing doesn’t generally happen but it’s *ME.* #blessed
That’s not even problems throughout my body, folks, that’s just the eyes. And as the eyes are “the window to the soul,” I’m hoping they open a window to some systemic diagnoses.
Anyhow, my thumbs are already numb, my brain is mixing up spelling and syntax, so if any of this doesn’t make sense, I’ll fix it later. My advice is that if you hav the energy, or the time, or you just feel something is off, keep advocating for yourself. I know unfortunately, you also need to have insurance or other resources to do so. I recognize that getting this far is a privilege that isn’t available to everyone.
I’m very grateful to my family and friends for their support. And my cats, who remind me that no matter how great and fuzzy life can be at times, it is also inherently chaotic.
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The Former Idealist 